Somehow, I thought just 14 days ago that Switzerland is an island of bliss. I looked at the statistics of new cases worldwide and was proud of how clever we do it in Switzerland. I was annoyed that I could not visit my mother because of the quarantine regulations (I am still annoyed and think that I made the wrong decision not to go!).
Suddenly the numbers exploded and suddenly cases in known circles appeared. Then my mother’s neighbor on the 11th floor died of Covid and that even though she was sitting on the bench in front of the house 3 days ago and did not look sick at all.
The feeling what sneaks in there is very unpleasant. I don’t have the situation under control, I don’t know what tomorrow or next week will bring, I can only influence a few things myself. It is a feeling of powerlessness and uncertainty.
We would have to throw the autumn vacations overboard and planning for Christmas seems impossible and ridiculous. Still, the whining is on a very high level. We are all healthy, we have no problems, except that as a daughter I cannot help my mother who sits alone and isolated in her apartment 700 km away from me. The solidarity works. Strangers help my mother so she can protect herself. I do not even know her, but I am infinitely grateful.
But I sleep badly again. Respectfully I fall asleep immediately when my head touches the pillow but wake up at 5 o’clock in the morning. Day after day, including the weekend. What happens if my mother suddenly gets sick? I don’t want to think about it, but I must think about it almost every day. A fear that almost crushes me, responsibility that cannot be shared.
Thinking in “worst case scenarios” and avoiding them is part of my professional life. And I have been doing this very successfully for years. But how I should do it now in my private life, I don’t know myself now.
Image source: http://unsplash.com
Michaela Merz 