I would have loved to finally write about something else than Corona but I cannot. I feel as if I am sitting in a train and actually waiting for the moment when I should get off. The train is getting slower and slower and the exit is still not in sight. There is no message regarding a delay. But it is clear to everyone on the train that the train is already very late. The train comes to a standstill and I don’t know why. In the middle of the field.
You can’t get off, you can’t do anything but wait. An endless loop without a schedule. For us, who are used to being in control of our own lives and time, it is horrible. The loss of control is immense. We have to get used to being completely constrained by external circumstances. A ray of hope? Yes, that is missing.
I try to take away the oppressive situation with a lot of movement. That is also becoming more and more difficult, because many possibilities are being closed one after the other. What remains is the movement outside. We went ice skating. That was great, but very challenging with the mask. My glasses always fogged up and I couldn’t even see where I was going. Under the mask, the warm air I exhale when moving fast turns into liquid and it runs down my cheeks. I am used to sweating during sports. But this “sweating under the mask” takes a lot of getting used to. But I’m not complaining. I’d rather do it this way than nothing at all. Better small freedoms than none at all. What remains is going for a run early in the morning, in the dark and cold, without a mask, when everyone is still asleep. I get rid of some of the stress and pressure that way. After showering, I sit down in front of the computer and connect with the whole world and all continents. Via Google, Skype, Zoom, Teams and whatever the systems are called, I get the latest information from New York, London, Moscow, etc. every day. I don’t even have to watch the news, my work colleagues tell me the most important things in a short summary.
The story I was told, I want to share with you. Kevin is in the 3rd grade. He came home with pain and elevated temperature. The doctor diagnosed Corona. The rest of the family also got tested. John, Kevin’s brother, as well as his father Paul were negative. The mother Susanne was positive, but had no symptoms at all. Everyone had to go into quarantine, Kevin and Susanne had to isolate themselves. Kevin recovered after only 2 days.
At the same time, both of Susanne’s parents tested positive and the father became very ill within a very short time. The better Kevin was, the worse Susanne’s father was. After 2 days, he had to be admitted to the hospital to the intensive care unit where he was ventilated. Susanne was not allowed to visit him because of his illness. On the 4th day the doctors called Susanne and told her that they thought there was nothing more they could do for her father and that only hours separated him from death. Susanne was paralyzed but only for a very short moment. She wanted to say goodbye to her father, to accompany him in his last hours. She wanted to be next to him when he would take his last breaths. She wanted to hold his hand, hug him, give him his last kiss, tell him how much she loved him. None of that she could do. The communication of the hospital was short and unmistakable. Visits were excluded and not possible. The most they could do for Susanne was to hold the receiver of the telephone to her father’s ear. Susanne spoke to her father and the tears, big as peas, ran down her cheek, but she tried to suppress them at all costs. Just crying silently. Susanne was not sure if her father had understood anything she said and she herself could only hear the ventilator. When the conversation was over, she lay curled up on the floor and cried until she couldn’t anymore, until there were no more tears.
I assume that in the future we will be able to keep the Corona virus at bay with vaccination. But will such pain as Susanne will carry for a lifetime ever be cured?
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Michaela Merz 